In A Lighter Vein, Something From June 2007

IF I CAN'T BEAT THE REVISIONISTS
OF SCRIPTURE, WHY NOT JOIN THEM?


Okay, here is an atheistic humanist's version of The Lord's Prayer:

Nobody's Father, who aren't in Heaven,
Who cares what your name is?
It's our collective that comes,
And evolution's will is done.
We'll take the bread from the bakers and redistribute it.
We'll forgive ourselves for trespassing,
Delivering ourselves from having to call anything evil
--Except, of course, a belief in the Creator;
And ours is the Party, forever.


Now, here's the radical-Muslim terrorist's version:

Our Allah, who parks suicide bombers in harems,
Hatred be thine aim.
Thy killing come, thy mullahs' will be done,
In London, Washington and Bangkok as it is in Tehran.
Give us this day some Jews and Christians, dead.
Forgive no infidel for anything,
But let us kill children, and others who are defenseless.
Lead us not into the temptation to quit being evil,
For thine is the contract to be powerfully gory
With anyone we don't like, Amen.


This one's for the sort of wimpy churchgoers who don't have the
spine even to argue verbally against the previous two groups:

Somebody's Parent-figure, who might be in Heaven,
We're still discussing whether we can hallow your name,
Since any talk of your kingdom coming
Might offend someone.
Give us this day our daily pablum;
Don't give us discipleship classes,
Because that might turn someone against us.
Lead us into equivocation,
So we can appease evil;
Then we'll have enough self-esteem to say that you have glory,
Some of the time.


If I made up what gay-marriage activists might do with the Lord's
Prayer, any parody I had the stomach to invent would probably still
be LESS disgusting than what they might actually say. So, to conclude,
here's a version that might be used by the new-model New Age space
cadets who will be trying to fill the spiritual power vacuum once the
Muslim terrorists are finally defeated:

Our Earth-Mother, who distorts the concept of Heaven,
Thou canst be called by any name.
Thy karma come,
And our wits be dumbed down,
Emerging in a syncretist Heaven.
Give us more ways to delay repenting;
And redefine our trespasses,
So we don't feel indebted to grace.
Lead us into reincarnation,
And let us change the Word to please people.
For thine is revision, calling Scripture just a story,
Till there's never an Amen.