The Oatmeal Parable

   Suppose that, for some reason or other (imprisonment, maybe?), a man is forced to live exclusively on a diet of oatmeal for five years. In all that time, he never gets to eat ANY solid food other than oatmeal, oatmeal, and more oatmeal. Other men, who are exempt from this austere diet, will eat sumptuous meals within his view, mocking his deprivation.

Now imagine that the circumstances which forced infinite oatmeal upon this man finally end; at last, it is possible again for him to obtain OTHER foods. So he hurries to a restaurant, intending to order a prime rib dinner. But as soon as he places his order, the waiter frowns and tells him: "Meat, meat, meat! All you EVER want to eat is meat! You're spoiled and pampered! You're a glutton! You're obsessed with meat! You're greedy and selfish! You need to come to your senses, quit this protein-heavy meat-eating diet, and have-- some OATMEAL!!!"

Hear ye now the interpretation of the parable. There are in this world men and boys who are decent and chivalrous-- all right, so they're a minority, but they do exist. There are, I say, men and boys who are decent and chivalrous, but who simply cannot find any female interested in dating/marrying them. There ARE females who will graciously grant these rejects the privilege of becoming Superfluous Redundant Friend Number 47; and the decent males shrug and go along with it. They perform acts of service for the females whose love they wish they had, while enduring the knowledge that some other guy, by dumb luck, is getting all the romantic attention without even trying to deserve it.  

But no matter what good sports the decent males are about being kept in friend zone, if they EVER dare to express their unhappiness at being unwanted, somebody is likely to chide them: "You have an unhealthy romantic obsession! It might even be a sexual addiction! You need to quit this attitude of seeing women ONLY as objects of desire! You need to do something NEW, something you've NEVER tried before in your life: try being a FRIEND to a girl/woman!"

There can be several different reasons why a meddling busybody would thus turn the knife in the heart of a love-deprived man or boy. But whatever the busybodies' motives are, it hurts just as much for the decent man or boy who doesn't even get credit for ALREADY HAVING BEEN in friend zone, done friend zone, and gotten a dozen friendzone T-shirts.

Even so, I agree with the poem about loving people "anyway," being honest "anyway," etc. God helping me, I will try still to be unselfishly chivalrous even as advancing age makes me almost forget what romance felt like. I would rather be Colonel Brandon and NEVER get to marry Marianne Dashwood, than get to marry Marianne by being that snake John Willoughby. (No, I do not mean by this that I think EVERY man who enjoys more romantic success than I do IS a Willoughby. Sometimes good guys do get the girl, and more power to them.)

I still do friend zone just fine. I'm an expert at being a chummy-pal, and not as a deceitful pretense. (There are certainly no male-performance issues to worry about in friend zone!) Just don't try to tell me that I should consider it my highest possible delight to be only and always force-fed oatmeal.