A Lighter Piece, About Comicbook Adaptations

 I might as well get some use out of having binge-viewed thirty episodes of CW's "The Flash." Here goes: an all-purpose representative generic typical episode of that series.

Barry wakes up in the morning, to find that his bed was short-sheeted while he slept, by the latest faster-than-Flash speedster. Going to the kitchen for some breakfast, he gets beaten up by a pancake that is more powerful than he is. Regenerating quickly from this beating, he goes to brush his teeth, but gets beaten up by a toothbrush that is also more powerful than he is. Healing again, he goes to put a letter in the mailbox, but the mailbox also beats him up because it is more powerful than he is.

Wearying of this abuse, Barry skips running to work in favor of taking a bus. But a poster on the side of the bus beats him up. When he reaches police headquarters, a bulletin board beats him up. Iris drops by and brings him the latest edition of her newspaper, but a photograph in the newspaper beats him up. Horrified, Iris insists that Barry see a doctor. Barry goes to the doctor's office, where the doctor's stethoscope beats him up.

Leaving the doctor's office, Barry finally finds a wrongdoer he is able to defeat: a four-year-old boy pulling a dog's tail. But while scolding the brat, Barry gets bitten by the dog.

Just as he finishes rapid-healing from the dog bite, Barry is approached by the Gal Gadot Wonder Woman, who tells him, "If you can behave intelligently for five minutes, I'll be yours eternally and love you forever!" Barry manages to behave intelligently for THREE minutes-- and this, only because in those three minutes nothing happens to give him any opportunity to be an idiot. But in the fourth minute, Zoom suddenly appears, losing balance and falling at Barry's feet.

"Oh, no!" the homicidal Zoom groans. "I've broken my ankle! Now I'm helpless! Any superhero could come by now and shoot me or cut off my head, and I would never be able to murder any innocent people ever again!"

With a look of great compassion, Barry sits beside Zoom and says, "I can't kill anyone, because then I would be just as bad as you are!" The villain's eyes widen, and he replies, "What? Do you murder people routinely for fun? But-- Oh, excuse me, I'm forgetting who writes your dialogue. Er, um, right, of course you would be just as bad as I am if you thought about all the vulnerable people who are threatened by me and actually--"

That's as far as Zoom gets before Wonder Woman cuts off his head. Barry is horrified; but Wonder Woman assures him, "There there, little baby, don't worry: I won't let anyone think that YOU discovered moral priorities and took action to save Zoom's future victims. I'll deliver Zoom's head to Detective West, and you can keep on being an ineffectual wimp. Too bad, though: if you had had a spine, I could have loved you," And away Wonder Woman goes, shaking her head.