Clarifying the Definition of Self-Pity

When I was a college boy, I felt very sorry for myself
because I couldn't get dates with girls. Pop psychology
would say that I had low self-esteem, that I did not see
myself as good enough to deserve attention from girls;
but pop psychology would be dead wrong. I did think I
deserved to get dates; my _high_ self-pity co-existed
with _high_ self-esteem, as I resented being denied the
respect I always thought I deserved.

The cluelessness of pop psychology about what is entailed
in self-pity has also infected the evangelical realm, as
I have seen terribly often.

There have been countless times when I've heard pastors
preach a message amounting to: "Your problem is that you
don't think you're good enough to be loved by God; you
think you're so bad that He'll never forgive you. Well,
here's the good news: you can quit beating up on yourself,
because God's love is unconditional! Yayyy!" On some of
these countless occasions, I have said to the pastors
afterward, "Where are you _finding_ all these people who
are so ashamed of themselves, who want God's forgiveness
but think they're too sinful to receive it? I haven't
been finding them; what I find are conceited, arrogant,
stubborn rebels who not only _don't_ think they need
God's forgiveness, but even flatter themselves that
they're _better_ than God and He owes _them_ an apology!"

Then the pastors always assured me that yes, they really
do routinely encounter humble souls who fully understand
and admit their guilt for sin, and whose _only_ problem
is not having confidence in God's unconditional love.
This discrepancy baffled me for a long time, since I
was sure those pastors would never knowingly lie.

Then it struck me.

I'm not a pastor...so people talking to me don't feel
compelled to say what they assume a pastor would want
to hear! Suddenly it all began to fall into place.
Now, I am convinced that there are many people who
_want_ to say, "God's demands are unreasonable; I'm
afraid that I'll never get His approval, not because
I'm so bad, because He is insanely vindictive." That's
what they _really_ think; but they don't dare say this
to a pastor, so they change it to "I'm not good enough
to be forgiven." The well-meaning pastor goes into
his memorized pep-talk about unconditional love; and
the person counselled goes away with his or her actual
self-pity problem completely unaddressed and unresolved.

I'm not saying that there are no genuine cases of people
deeply remorseful for their sin and meekly afraid of
being condemned; but there's already _more_ than enough
unconditional-love talk circulating to meet their needs.
What _isn't_ circulating nearly enough is discussion of
REPENTANCE: the very thing that is needed to break some
self-pitying souls out of the mental bondage in which
they imagine themselves _entitled_ to approval without
having to change any of their own attitudes.